Squatter and the Ant




CLIVE: Er-s-er-r-r-r ..... have you heard anything recently of Squatter?

DEREK: No.
CLIVE: No I d-, I-, I wouldn't think you would have heard anything of Squatter. Squatter .....
DEREK: What's he up-, what's he up to at the moment?
CLIVE: Squatter Madras?
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: Well, he tends to lie a bit low, you know.
DEREK: Really? Why is that?
CLIVE: Well, he-, he ..... that's the way he lies. A bit low, which is the best way to lie, I think, in-, in my view. But Squatter was, er, one of my very best friends, which is, um, him and, um, and him. He is in fact my only best friend.
DEREK: Mmm, mmm.
CLIVE: But Squatter had this incredible quality which was, um, I don't know how you can define it but I would, er, say it was, um, I'd say it was stupidity.
DEREK: Yes, yes, yes.
CLIVE: Which, er, very few people I've known have got .....
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: ..... to quite the same extent that Squatter has.
DEREK: Yes, yes.
CLIVE: I don't know if I've ever told the story about Squatter and the ant.
DEREK: No, no, no, no.
CLIVE: Have I told you about Squatter and the ant?
DEREK: No, no, no.
CLIVE: Well, Squatter, Squatter was in a terrible position.
DEREK: Oh.
CLIVE: He was in Bahrain, which is a pretty bloody place to be.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: And there was this ant .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... which had only one leg .....
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: ..... and only one eye .....
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: ..... and it was about two miles away from Squatter.
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: So, a pretty bloody menacing position for Squatter, .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... who was equipped only with, erm, you know, a hydrogen bomb, .....
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: ..... erm, six grenades, .....
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: ..... and, erm, a few rifles.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: And this bloody ant, .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... one eye, .....
DEREK: Ye-h.
CLIVE: ..... one leg, .....
DEREK: Ye-h.
CLIVE: ..... was advancing towards Squatter .....
DEREK: Ye-h.
CLIVE: ..... at about-, oh, I'd say at about, er, a mile every century, you know.
DEREK: God.
CLIVE: Really speeding up.
DEREK: Ye-h.
CLIVE: I think the animal was on drugs.
DEREK: Yes, or heat.
CLIVE: Or heat, yes, .....
DEREK: Ye-h.
CLIVE: ..... as you may say.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: And Squatter .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... with his extraordinary calm .....
DEREK: Hmm.
CLIVE: ..... took it very smoothly.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: And do you know what he did?
DEREK: No.
CLIVE: Nothing.
DEREK: Good God.
CLIVE: He immediately did nothing.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: And this stupified the ant.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: Stopped in it's tracks.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: Didn't move an inch for about, um, three and a half years, yes.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: But still Squatter was very much aware of the problem of the ant with all of one leg and all of one eye .....
DEREK: Yes, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh.
CLIVE: ..... advancing towards him. So he took up, you know, a strategic position with about five thousand men on one side and seven thousand men on the other side .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... all equipped with, er, various kinds of guns, .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... and so on.
DEREK: Yes, yes, yes.
CLIVE: The ant was, er, fairly pinpointed.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: But what was odd .....
DEREK: Yes, go on, go on.
CLIVE: I will, ..... was the ant understood Squatter.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: The ant realised he was up against somebody as good as-, as good as he was.
DEREK: There was some sort of, ah, understanding between ..... they knew they were .....
CLIVE: Equals .....
DEREK: ..... equals, yes.
CLIVE: ..... in their struggle, yes.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: So Squatter, .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... with a tremendous display of courage, put up his hands and surrendered.
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: And the ant, five years laters, .....
DEREK: "Five years laters"?
CLIVE: Yes, five years laters, ..... crept into the, er, hole .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... and Squatter was gone.
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: And this is the extraordinary thing about Squatter.
DEREK: Mm-mm.
CLIVE: He was never there when he was wanted.
DEREK: No, no.
CLIVE: And Squatter told me later that, ah, he'd gone because he'd had to go.
DEREK: I think that's .....
CLIVE: That sums up Squatter for me.
DEREK: Yes. It's-, it's a sort of-, a very simple approach to life.
CLIVE: The ant, these days, is writing its memoirs, you know, .....
DEREK: Yes.
CLIVE: ..... in the Sunday Telegraph, but Squatter, .....
DEREK: Squatter refuses to come out and, erm, .....
CLIVE: ..... he refuses to comment on the whole situation.
DEREK: Yes, yes, yes.
CLIVE: Just won't.
DEREK: No.
CLIVE: Just won't.
DEREK: I think .....
CLIVE: And I think he's quite right.
DEREK: I think he retains his dignity, huh.
CLIVE: Well, he retains everything.
DEREK: Yes. What I'm-, I think is a tragedy about Squatter is that you know that one of these days .....
CLIVE: Yes, one of these days.
DEREK: ..... one of these days he's going to let fly with the most enormous fart.
CLIVE: Well, this is the tragedy about Squatter. I mean, one has tried to hush it up, one has attempted to put cushions up his arse, one has attempted to do many things. But Squatter, taken unaware, may give fly to the most enormous fart, and this will be his undoing.
DEREK: Well, I just-, I-, I just wish him luck. But normally .....
CLIVE: I wish him luck - at the same time I wish him a strange sort of happiness:
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: Death.
DEREK: Yes. I think it's-, that would be the best thing for Squatter.
CLIVE: I think if death could come to Squatter .....
DEREK: Mmm.
CLIVE: ..... now .....
DEREK: Rather than the other way round.
CLIVE: Yes.
DEREK: I think we'd all be very happy.
CLIVE: I think so.